T for Tom

Why Not Me?

Posted in Prose, Uncategorized by johnsontoms on February 3, 2016

If it weren’t for language, we’d have nothing but actions. Too often our understanding of the earth and our place within it exists between the bookend given to a particular context. The realm of possibility, so far as our understanding can perceive, is relative to our knowledge of the meaning of the words. To wit: dreams are not only in the mind, nor are they dreams: they are real, and they are possible. More closely they are plans without bounds, desires unchained.

I see all around me a world of limitless possibility, and yet we chain ourselves to the limits of suffering we can physically and mentally endure; in the forms of income we can suffice, love we can take, and life we can live. A little bit here and a little bit there, but there is so much more and I for one can’t any longer go on with just a little bit.

After settling back into my home, I immediately joined a gym. Better said, I came back home. I didn’t continue on the other side of the planet, I didn’t board a plane to anywhere, I returned home to a place I knew and a place I had comfort in. Better said, I played it safe. But there at the gym now sits outside on the wall a piece of graffiti that, on my last day of my membership I will take with me as I never return again to lift weights. The work reads: “I buy things to feel better.” It is scrawled and slapped on the bricks with haste, to not be art but to be a statement. To some it may be waste, but I take it wholly to heart.

As I begin to discover that my life is changing again, I am beginning to experience within me the joys I had every time I set about to see some new place. I remember the feelings I experienced camped atop the Lincoln National forest watching the sun fall over the pines, and know that peace is within reach. I think of the simple, fulfilling ways that living a life without contrivance can bring, to know that I have with me only those things that I need and nothing more. And I want it again.

Away will be the possessions I’ve acquired, gone will be the distractions that limit my time to wither, and only will remain will be the absolute necessity to exist as human in a world of beauty.

These abstractions are not existential or obtuse, they are as direct as any feeling we can own. Inside of us all are feelings that mobilize our actions, but I implore that anything less that daring is dying, in that sense that all roads lead to the end. There is enough art and poetry to affirm what I’m saying, and the authors then didn’t set out to create ephemera but were as I am now trying to vocalize their heart.

I only want to vocalize my heart.

Crazy, wild, pointless, giving up, all things that could be said by others of packing bags and driving away, such as I will. I’ve travelled enough to know now that it isn’t crazy – crazy is being unhappy, crazy is watching too many moons rise over a day undone. Often, I use the context of the physical being that cannot travel in one distance or another because of the political barriers we as a society have created. I will not ever understand how any one human can stand at the border along a fence and be told that their body cannot travel even five feet further into another physical space, simply by writ of their birth. I will not be confined by my physical location.

Few others have gone about this, and we record their bravery in stories, chronicling their tales as legends for only the most sincere of intrepid actions. By placing their narratives in the realm of folklore we exalt their actions beyond the realm of possibility, outside of our own existence, as something that cannot be done.

But they are, like we all are, just people. If we could all only make the decisions they have made.

Because I’m tired of seeing so much death and dying and wasting away. Because I don’t want for myself the end to come so soon and because I don’t want for the world the same. This belief is beyond a personal level and can reach the furthest depths of the sociopolitical spectrum if we realize that a harmony for every individual will create a harmony for the earth. In my own way, I can start the revolution.

It is the on the road where my spirit soars and I can’t any longer believe that elsewhere I’ll find happiness. We are too old on this earth to think that we are too young to be so free. It all exists in your head.

Go about your business of being human, of being free. Many others already have, and I wonder why not me?

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